Thoughts of a Sprite

Friday, February 04, 2005

I have been avoiding an update...

Okay so I guess it is about time for an update, I have put it off for as long as I dare...

I have been reluctant to update because I have been in a weird sort of mood lately. Today I decided to be as defiant as possible, and wore not only blue jeans to work, but a ballcap as well! My mood has to do with a lot of things I think, so here goes...

I am not doing nearly as well in school as I am used to, and I know that the University is supposed to be harder than a community college, but I "hit the ground running" so to speak, in expectation of this increase in difficulty. It has not helped one little bit. I am steadily achieving B's, with twice the amount of effort I used to put into an A, and it is quite frustrating! I do my homework, I read the text twice, sometimes three times, I create an in-depth study guide to and including defining all bold terms and major ideas in the text, defining all key terms in the review at the end of the chapter, and typing the quiz with correct answer from the back of the chapter (let alone completing it before I create the study guide) This process usually takes about 6 hours or more. Once I have completed my study guide, I memorize it, and I review both his out line for our class notes, and my notes located on my laptop.

Now you tell me what else I can do to prepare for his F'ing tests. Please, if you have a suggestion that will help I am all ears. I just do not know how else to study, what else I can do. It royally pisses me off...

Now, onto my statistics for engineer's class. I took this class only because it is a new requirement for a psychology major, and I have had statistics one so no big deal right? WRONG! We started doing this thing called integrals the other day, and I got completely lost. Apparently it was something I was supposed to have learned in Calculus. There is only one small problem with that. I never took calculus. I advised my teacher of this fact this morning when I asked her if she would be available to assist me in acquiring this knowledge. She then advised that calculus was a prerequisite for this class, and that she is unsure as to how I got into to it. And then asked why I was taking it if I was just a psychology/ criminal justice major. I was like Great. So I am slightly behind in there and do not see me getting an A in this class either. There goes my A average, there goes my dream, there goes Phi Beta Kappa.

Onto my next issue, other than school, I have also been feeling a little depressed lately. I think it could have a lot to do with reoccurring, as well as new nightmares. The reoccurring ones have a lot to do with the past, and are mostly memories that I forbid myself to think about let alone talk about. They have been an issue since I was a child, starting just after it all occurred. But the new ones have been just as disturbing.

I dreamt Tuesday night that I died. I had a heart attack, while I was at work, and I was floating above myself, watching them try to resuscitate me, which eventually worked, but I remember it being a very painful death. This really bothered me until about an hour ago when I remembered something a friend said to me a couple of weeks ago. I analyzed my dream, as I often do, and I am not so sure it was a heart attack but a broken heart. I also think that the fact that I was at work when it happened had significance. I have been discontent with work for sometime now, but is not something I am willing to dredge up as I have coworkers who read this, not that they are not to be trusted, just that I don't want to trouble their work stress with my work stress. If that makes any sense.

This really did bother me, a lot until just about an hour ago like I said previously. A very dear friend to me told me about three weeks ago that when you dream that you die, it symbolizes a re- birth. This struck me as I again fretted over the meaning of this dream. It all made sense. Yes, I think in my dream I died of a broken heart, but it also symbolized the fact that I have let him go in my heart. I was clinging to the hope that we would in the future be together, and that nothing had really changed except that I don't see him, (or sleep with him.) But that we were still really close emotionally and right for each other. I think I have become fed up with this idea. The jaded me is back. I let him in, I got hurt, yet I remained the caring loving person that I was towards him. I talked to him pretty much the same amount; of course I did not answer my phone as much. But something in me has changed. I find things that I used to find about him cute, annoying. I find myself ignoring more of his phone calls, and when I do answer them, I am brief and cold. I do not flirt with him, though he still does with me. I find him to be arrogant, and inattentive to everyone's feelings but his own. I do not know if this is just my anger kicking in, my defense mechanism of pushing hard and using their weaknesses, or if this is really how he is, but I know that I am ready to be rid of him. He simply cannot expect me to wait around for him, while he gets his money from his father. He traded me in for a truck. He told his father that we broke up, and now his father is going to help him buy a Harley Davidson truck, spoiled? Nah, not him, his father is not only going to help him buy a truck, but pay for half of his rent, And braces. I am just not that dependant on anyone. And I definitely would not let my father tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. I am ready to move on. A rebirth...

As for the other nightmares, they interrupt my sleep, leave my with a thudding heart in a cold sweat. The other day I heard the term WNAMO it means what nightmares are made of… thought it was a neat term.

In other news, my father called the other night to tell me he got my graduation picture. I have not heard from him (of his own free will) since November. Remember I graduated December 10^th. So it took me by surprise. Well, not quite what to say to him, or how to act, I began babbling about my new apartment. He then acted completely surprised that I moved, even though I have told him on three occasions and in two emails. He asked if I needed anything for the apartment, and I have never answered a question more happily. I replied, "Nope, I think we got it covered, which is why I got a second job." I do not need anything from him; I will never again have to depend on him for anything. Ha.

Other than that my life is kind of boring. I go to work, I do homework, I go to school, and I sleep. Sometimes I watch a movie. Watched Vanity Fair the other day, very, Very good movie! I think I will have to own this one. Don't worry I am not going to spoil it for you. Just go watch it. Nothing else of interest has happened, So I think I shall end here. I will leave off with a few thoughts…

Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.

~ Tao Te Ching

There is always a certain peace in being what one is, in being that completely.

~ Ugo Betti

I guess I am just having trouble being me completely, or have lost sight of who I am. I hopefully will figure it out soon. In the mean time, every one be proud, amonst all the shit and stress lately I have quit smoking. Four long hard days without one cigarette. Yes, I did take a drag of a friends, but they say to er' is human right. The poing is I am trying, and I have not bought any, or smoked a whole one.

I leave ye good people now...

shes_a_sprite @ 5:04 PM.

1 comments

Rachel said...

You know they say community college is there to prepare you for the university, but they are so full of s*%&t. Nothing prepares you. My only advice is let go of making it a necessity to get that "A" because although grades are important it is really what you learn and create, and I know you won't believe me but the most important thing is that you try your hardest.

The other thing is, don't depend on the university to know what you need to take, what you have or haven't taken. Most of the departments and administration don't know what the left hand or right hand is doing. It is up to you to be on top of it all.

Sweetie, the guy you are referring to sounds to me like a little baby, who thinks he is the center of the universe, which he is NOT. Screw him, you deserve better than this shit, and I think he needs to be put in the past, because he is bringing you down. :)

I am proud of you. You should be very proud of yourself. Everyday you amaze me, you shine. :)
*hug*

9:52 AM